Rashid's Task 2 Essay reviewed

Many people argue, (P) that the rapidly developing technology is leading to the loss of our traditional culture - that they are antagonistic to each other.However,there are others who believe that new inventions have contributed to the development,growth and propmotion (S) of our art,customs and way of living;considering that (in fact,) they are complementary to each other.In this essay,I shall examine the two sides of the argument, and try to draw a reasonable conclusion.
A classic introduction, try to avoid over-elaborate sentences with too many clauses so as to make it MORE effective.
Many arguments are given in favour of the view that advances in scientific technology have adversely affaceted (S) our cultural heritage.First of all, the (G) art has lost its natural touch.For instance, ( ) G use of computer graphics technique, instead of manual methods, has resulted in the loss grace (WC) of art of painting, although it has equipped the user with a better way of expressing.Similarly,we are unable to hear anymore, (P) the old melodious tunes of music since the advent of use of modern musical instruments.Classical music instrument players like (WC) 'SITAR player Raees Khan' are not heard these days.Secondly,the use of new technological devices has affected our cutoms and rites;the internet and telephonic marriages have deprived us of musical and colourful wedding ceremonies.Furthermore,our private life has fallen a (G) victim to the invasion of gadgets and tools. ( ) G ubiquitous presence of security cameras at various public places has taken away our privacy, and we have been reduced to prisoners under surveillance.
Super ideas, well constructed and linked together in a very impressive manner - I am finding faults, because I know Rashid is a perfectionist . . .
Although, (P) there are numerous undesirable effects of scientific inventions, there are several salutary influences as well.One of these is the change in the reading culture.A simple click of a computer mouse provides us with an instantaneous access to resources of latest reading material on ( ) G internet.Whereas, (P) the knowledge published in the (G) books reaches us when it is, (P) already, (P) out of date.Another significant effect is on the way we celebrate various events.Like, (WC) the use of LASER technology has revolutionised our way of celebration.It has added colour and variety to happy occasions.Now, (P) LASER-fireworks at night, (P) are a regular feature of National Day celebrations of various countries.Last but not the (G) least, ( ) G appropriate use of technology saves our time, so that we can spend more quality time with our families.Slower means of travelling:horses ,camels, and bikes have been replaced by faster ones like: (WC / P)cars,trains and aeroplanes. Business-persons (WC) travel internationally by air,attend their meetings, and return home to be with their families , (P)within days, as compared to weeks and months in the past.
In conclusion,undoubtedly,the newer developments in the field of technology have had a profound impact on our culture, but both are not incompatible (WC "double negative - to be avoided!!!!) with eah other.Rather,they complement each other.In fact,in my opinion,with the judicious use of scientific devices,we can preserve,develope, and promote our culture.

WRITING TASK 2-ESSAY.

Thanks Rashid! There are lots of positives in this essay - clear layout, classic 4 paragraph structure, super use of linking words and very sophisticated ideas. Let's make it even better! How?

1. Fewer intrusive commas
2. Attention to use / non-use of 'the'
3. Short sentences as the norm
4. Avoidance of 'like' except as a verb (why?)

What do the rest of you think? COMMENTS please!!!!

Tony the Taskmaster ;)